When I was forced to accept the diagnosis of gender identity dysphoria this summer, it hurt. It was a huge cottonball stuck in my throat. Suffocating, limiting. I didn't feel dysphoric. But as I've traveled further down this freeway...flying at a high rate of speed, I've become dysphoric. Who am I? Caldwell, Leo, Tash. Who are they? What do I say? who do you know me as? What name to use now? If anyone outs me to anyone else it will probably be me. I've always felt a really strong connection to reality. What's real and what's not. But now, I don't think I can say that. To have a hormone change the very core of your personality shakes your belief in humans as spiritual beings. I think if anyone from my past who knew well spent any significant time with me they would find my core values have shifted. I realize this happen with age and with experience but to have them shift so dramatically in such a short period with a hormone. That's a whole new game. Also, what does it mean for me to be a man? I relate more to men now. I can see why and how they think. Disclaimer: When I talk about men I am more talking about the general notion of men and not speaking for every man and realizing that there is a wide spectrum. I can see how emotions can be annoying, distracting additions to a seemingly simple life.
Back to my lack of reality. I look around and see people interacting...and knowing that they interact with me based on my creation of self...it makes you think...this is all fake. All these mind-numbing chit chats.
I sometimes feel numb, tired and weird when I have to participate in these conversations.
Sometimes I feel fine.
I just don't know how to be friends with anyone and feel close.

I would say I am dysphoric now. Thanks.

This is really weird and I'm not sure I can explain it very well but I'm going to try?

So, in high school, there were three a cappella groups. There was an all-girls group, an all-guys group, and a mixed group. My first, and only, opportunity to audition was at the end of my first year of high school, because (as many of you know) I basically stopped going to high school midway through my second year (and that's a story for a different day).

I went back and forth about which group to audition with for months. I hadn't figured out anything about my gender yet. This was when I was about 14; I still didn't even really know what "gay" meant, and had never heard of anybody being transgender or genderqueer or anything remotely like that. I knew that I had a much better shot at getting into the all-girls group. Several of the girls in the group had been asking me if I were auditioning for their group. They had about 4 or 5 open spots to fill, so my odds were much higher. The mixed group only had room for two girls.

I couldn't explain it at the time but something just didn't feel right to me about auditioning for the all-girls group. I just couldn't do it. I had no idea it had anything to do with the gender. I didn't get that until several years later. I just couldn't do it.

The way the auditions worked was, a group of students made up of members of each of the three groups listened to the auditions of anyone who wanted to be in the a cappella groups, and they decided who got in, but you had to pick only one group that you were auditioning for. If you didn't get into that one, you didn't get in at all. You couldn't say "I'd be happy to be in either group". You had to pick one.

So I picked the mixed group.

The next day they had the audition results posted. I sat in the lobby all day waiting for that list to go up, and sure enough, there were two girls' names on the list for the mixed group, and I wasn't one of them.

I honestly can't think of a more crushing moment in my entire life. And I've had some pretty fucked up moments. At the time, I didn't even know that I would never get another shot at this. Just the idea of having to wait a whole 'nother year to audition, a whole year that I wasn't going to get to sing in an a cappella group at all, when I had been waiting my whole life to do it...it was seriously devastating to 14-year-old me. I never got over that one.

A couple months later, I was talking to one of the girls in the all-girls group. She kept asking me why I hadn't auditioned for that group. "None of us could understand it! You knew you were going to get in if you auditioned with us, didn't you?" It turned out that when the students met to discuss who would get in to each group, I was #3 on the list for the girls they wanted for the mixed group. Which didn't help me one bit when there were only two spots.

This was ten years ago, now, and it's in the dark pit in the back of my mind where pretty much my whole life from age 10-18 lives, but every so often I start needing to stay up late at night and watch a cappella groups on YouTube and every time I do this I soon start having the gender nightmares, and I only just now put two and two together.

I don't know if I'll ever have another opportunity like that. I don't know if I'll ever feel complete if I don't.

I cut m'hairs.

( Read more... )

Hey guys, I checked the tags but couldn't find any information about this, so I figured I'd ask.

I've tried a variety of binding methods and although a binder I had tried out from Underworks definitely helped to give me a more masculine looking chest, I found it almost impossible to get the thing on, and then found myself in extreme discomfort for the duration of wearing it. I had recalled someone mentioning on this community a while back about using compression shirts for binding and after giving it a shot discovered that I can get myself decently flat by using a youth sized compression tee and it's a lot more comfortable than other binding methods I used.

Realistically, I'm probably at least a year away from top surgery, as I'm not currently prepared for either the financial or emotional issues that surgery raises for me at this time. Based on things I've seen and read, I think I'm a borderline candidate for peri-areolar surgery, which is preferable for me. I know that over time binding breaks down tissue in the breasts and I'm somewhat concerned about how this may affect my chances at opting for a surgery I find preferable. I'm wondering if using a compression shirt will damage my chances at peri being an option, or if the fact that it doesn't seem to bind me as tight as a traditional binder makes it less of an issue. As it is, I use a sports bra just for hanging out at home in order to give my chest better support and only use the compression shirt when going out. Also, if a guy is slightly bigger chested than is usual for peri, is it possible to use liposuction to remove some of the tissue/fat and then have the procedure done? Thanks for your help!

This is the 4th Sunday of Advent. I will be talking about peace and angels. Peace. What is peace? Is peace not-war? Is it not-chaos? Reducing peace to a thing, event, single experience, or theory does not seem right to me.

As most Christians interpret Isaiah 9:6, Jesus is the Prince of Peace and yet according to Matthew 10:34, Jesus did not come to bring peace to earth, but a sword. The text continues with Jesus promoting his set of family values.

Matthew 10: 35 - 39
35 For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; 36 and one's foes will be members of one's own household. 37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; 38 and whoever does not take up the cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.

And yet, here is another statement of family values from Jesus, Matthew 15:4-6
4 For God said, "Honor your father and your mother,' and, "Whoever speaks evil of father or mother must surely die.' 5 But you say that whoever tells father or mother, "Whatever support you might have had from me is given to God,' then that person need not honor the father. 6 So, for the sake of your tradition, you make void the word of God.

Prince of Peace
Lion of the Tribe of Judah
Healer
Thrasher of the Temple

Is peace standing in front of a tank, using your body to say "Stop this war!"
Is peace protecting a woman being beaten by a man by taking her into your home or standing between them?
Is peace healing on a Sabbath day on purpose to provoke religious authorities to hate you?
Is peace a man being nailed to a cross because he was not cowed by the religious and political manipulators of his day?
Is peace a tranquil winter scene with horse pulling a wagon, the snow on either side remaining undisturbed?

Do we live peace?
Do we enact peace?
Do we experience peace in a passive way?
Is peace deep?
Is peace on the surface?
Is peace freedom from illness?
Is peace watching yourself die from your illness?

Can peace include Violence? Blood? Passion? Sleep? Breathing? Chaos? Order?

Peace ... is there such a thing as peace? Can we find it in a food? In a relationship? In music?

I have a lolajake lucas plus caramel color for sale if anyone is interested. It's brand new. I paid 500+ for it and am looking to sell it for 400 obo.

Hello. Names Monster. I am two weeks shy of two years on hormones. Just posting some comparison photos.

( one post surgery photo potentially NSFW )

Hey guys, Jay here. Haven't been around in a while (though I've been lurking). Thought I'd re-emerge and say hello. I was uploading off of a digital camera I'd misplaced for a while, and found great older photos. Also one or two of my partner and I. Aaand, I'm pre-everything. Anyway, here we go!

( Six under the cut )

Dear Sleeptime,

Is there any chance I could be NOT having the gender nightmares again? Or ever? I don't really need that shit, do I?

Peace,
Oliver Danni

I don't even really want to talk about it, though I probably should. I just want to not sleep.

seriously. i think i might need to get a twitter account just to follow him and tom felton.

I have a baby!
( Ferret! )

Hiya, here's a quick update with pics :) My names Kestin, I live in Auckland New Zealand and am currently visiting my family in Christchurch where I am now the big elephant in the room! Yay.
( Read more... )

Thanks to ganimede for this! This is definitely not men-only territory.

I have six out of the 13 listed items in my car. (For the curious: I counted the cell phone because I always keep mine in my pocket and I make an effort to have it well-charged before I go anywhere, although I currently don't have a car charger for it; on top of that, I have jumper cables, a flashlight/torch [I think], a warm blanket [plus my bright orange sleeping bag, both for warmth and attention-getting], two ice scrapers [one with attached snow brush], and two first aid kits [thanks ganimede for the new one!].) I had seven, but after several years without being needed, the gallon jugs of water I kept in the trunk/boot just evaporated from baking in a hot car over time. Plus obviously it's heavy, which affects gas mileage. Everything except the phone, one small flashlight/torch (I think), the smaller first aid kit, and the ice scrapers live in the trunk/boot. There should be a small flashlight/torch in the glove compartment, which is where the smaller first aid kit lives, and the ice scrapers live under the seats. My phone lives in my pocket, of course.

I also have two bungee cords, which weren't listed for some reason. The MREs are a great idea and easy enough to implement, so I'll have to get some of those! (I might get Power Bars or something rather than actual MREs, though.)

More suggestions are in the comments, of course, found at the end of the original post. One suggestion I found ridiculously helpful was a roll of duct tape, plus a copy of a book you love if you need to amuse yourself while waiting for help.


http://artofmanliness.com/2009/12/17/13-things-a-man-should-keep-in-his-car/



When I was growing up, I noticed that my dad kept the trunk of his car well-stocked with supplies. A lot of the equipment in his car was for his job busting poachers as a game warden, but most of the things he packed in his trunk were for emergency situations.

And there were plenty of times when my dad was able to put his trunk equipment to work.

For example, about 20 years ago my dad was driving home to Oklahoma from New Mexico in his old burgundy Caprice. Just outside of Groom, TX, near the famous leaning water tower along I-40, a hellacious snow storm hit. It was a complete white out, so my dad had to pull over until things settled down.

But things didn’t settle down until a day later.

My dad had to spend the night in his car in the middle of nowhere while a blizzard roared outside. But because he had the forethought to prepare for situations like this, he was able to keep warm with some blankets and avoid ravaging hunger with some MREs.

Many of you will be hitting the road this holiday season to visit family, so I consulted my dad, Tom McKay, and asked him what supplies he thinks every man should keep in his car. Here’s his suggested list.

( 13 items )

I got my T from Wal-Mart pharmacy and it said to inject 100/two weeks and that it was good for twenty weeks, so ten shots. I wanted a weekly shot, so I inject 50/week.
I got an appointment with my endo on March 12th, in where I want to tell him that I want to double my dose, so inject 100/week. But, I counted the weeks that I have left, which is eight and my T runs out in early February. I thought that I could just refill my prescription and everything would be good. Turns out that my refills are on a prescription basis. Meaning that I need another prescription if I want another vial.
So..I'm scared, lol. Should I phone my endo on Monday and mention this to him and see if I can reschedual my appointment to sometime in February or just grit my teeth and go without T for a month? I'm not really sure what I can do. If I go without T for a month, what changes will revert back and what won't?
Thansks for responding and happy holidays.

From Minnie to Mickey (and all they did was turn off a gene)

Newspaper article on sex changes in mice.

Science really is progressing all the time. :)

Tonight is the final night of Chanuka. All Jewish holidays begin and end at sundown, so tomorrow is the final day of Chanuka, and at sundown tomorrow the holiday will be over.

I only managed to get two boxes of candles this year, so only two menorahs are lit tonight, as opposed to all three like last year.

( Three pictures of my fully lit menorahs, all 640x480 )

Okay kiddiess.

So I realized that a lot of you are ravers, which made me super happy! [Like so... :D]


So, I thought I'd put up some music for you guys to check out from my rave scene [the chitown underground]. :D


Oh, and 2 pics as well. =]]


( PLUR. )

If you guys want more of any of those DJs, just let me know. =]]

What do those signs say? Write text for them (including the big banner in the foreground) and then, if you're feeling inspired, write a story to go with the picture. Write about the protest, perhaps, or pick one of the characters and write about them. Have fun with it.